Why do the wrong things always feel like the right thing to do?

here we go. this time it’s for real, no fear necessary. time to put all my cards on the table and play the game and see who wins. i’m pretty competitive so get ready for a challenge, because I’m not losing without a fight.

Liking someone is hard. You decide to let your walls down and give him an open invitation hoping he’ll drop by your heart cafe and leave a tip. Then he walks in, takes a seat, and peruses the menu to see if there’s anything worth committing to…

I was raised watching soap operas and romantic comedies where it was routine for one character to chase the other until the other couldn’t run away any longer, so I tend to naturally mirror that in my own life. I catch myself trying to talk to the person a little everyday and see how they’re doing, to show them that I’m interested and that I care. I try and get them to hangout with me randomly without any prior planning, because I find it to be spontaneous and romantic to do things on whim because there’s no way you can possibly say no to this person.

I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that…but now in days a ‘hopeless romantic’ is nothing but a fool. I find that people today don’t really value true romance -The gift of simply loving someone.

Some may say I’m just being bitter because I haven’t found someone, and I am. I wish I could meet these standards everyone seems to have, that I don’t reach. I’m too short, too chunky, too nice, too sweet, too flamboyant, too insecure, too proud, too smiley, too familiar, too weird, too shy, too clingy, too distant, too condescending, too immature, too this and too that!

Can I really be too much? Maybe I’m too caught up in this fantasy of finding someone who can want me just as much as I want them that I didn’t realize I was actually awake in a world where trying too hard was seen a weakness or an act of desperation instead of something to be commended on because they’ve never heard the saying, “We must constantly endeavor if we are to succeed”.

I give this girl a place to stay when she was couch surfing, having to roam the streets till it was safe for her to sneak back into her (still in the closet) girlfriend’s house. I then offer her a place to stay for a reasonable price. We had a blast living together. She was fun and uplifting, and very optimistic. I really enjoyed her presence. Then 5 months later I have lease problems with one of the signers and the end result was having everyone move out of the apartment, including myself. The last month’s rent was given to me in a check form, and it bounced because she used a check from a closed account. She promises to give it to me in cash by the end of the week… She doesn’t. She promised to pay me by the end of July… She doesn’t. She gathers all of her valuables and leaves everything else behind in a roach infested mess. She says she’ll come back in the beginning of August to clean out her room and pay me the $500 she owed me…

She doesn’t.

I text her girlfriend an a friend of hers to tell her to stop avoiding me. She finally calls me! She explains to me that she is in a really bad state financially and that she really doesn’t have enough money to give it to me right away, and that she is going through some family issues. I sympathize for her and tell her it’s okay, that she could pay me half of what she owes me the next time she gets paid. She agrees in delight! The next week passes by without a word from her, I hit her up and ask her when would she like to meet up? She replied with Monday at 4:30pm Union Sq.

The weekend passes and it’s Monday! Around 3pm she tells me to bump up the meeting time to 6:00pm because she is training someone. I tell her that is fine eventhough I had plans at 5:15pm with an old friend to have cheesecake at max Brenner’s. I meet up with my friend and tell him if we could wait till my ex-roommate came before we head in to the restaurant to enjoy our desserts.

The rest of this will be in text message form with the actual texts!

MONDAY: 08/08/11

Me: (5:32pm) Hey, I’m in Union Sq already. I will be hanging around till u get here.

Daysi: (5:33pm) Ok Pedro

Daysi: (6:12pm) Hey I’m passing by the bank now and I’ll see you soon

Daysi: (6:12pm) :)

Me: (6:12pm) Okay!

Me: (6:59pm) Close by?

Daysi: (7:03pm) Yes Sorry

Me: (7:07pm) I’m in the movie theater lobby on Union sq.

Daysi:(7:24pm) I’m in a cab by 29sr

Daysi: (7:24pm) ST

Daysi: (7:24pm) Sorry

Me: (7:25pm) Okay, I’m in best buy now charging my phone.

Me: (7:26pm) My phone died, lol

Me: (7:44pm) Are u here yet?

Daysi: (7:46pm) Almost

Me: (7:48pm) Kk

Daysi: (7:54pm) Where are you?

Daysi: (7:55pm): Ok

Me: (7:55pm) Besy buy

Me:(8:06pm) Where are u walking from?

Daysi: (8:06pm) 13 and university

Me: (8:29) Hello, where are u?

Me: (8:54pm) I feel so disrespected, Kenji. I have no words to describe how disappointed I am with you.

[End of text messages]

I haven’t heard from her since. I can’t tell you if she was lying, but her texts sure can. How do you end up in a taxi on 29th st and then get off on 13th st and University, knowing you have to be at Best Buy on 14th St and Broadway?

Then I get a call from my sister the next day saying Daysi/Kenji was arrested in the train station for possession of Marijuana…(?!?!?!?!??!?) How you end up in a taxi to 13th street and University, an entirety of 1 street and 1 avenue away, to a subway?! It was her birthday on the 10th of August, and now she’s in some Inn in Delaware with her girlfriend.

I think we know the truth. She’s a lying cunt.

It would be silly to think I would get away with the things I do unscathed. God has repeatedly given me chances to better myself, and he’s been continuously making examples out of my dearest friends of what will happen if I didn’t stop, and he is done trying to warn me. I don’t know yet, but I have a feeling he’s officially condemned me to a life of pure hell. I have that sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach and I’m scared. I’m scared that my gut feeling is right on point this time.

Aww…I havent been on tumblr for so long! I didn’t think anyone would miss my posts! You’re too sweet! I just posted a ridiculously candid TMI kind of post, so please enjoy it!

(hug)

<3

I’m more real than Jesus, so why wouldn’t you?!

Gag. So, I’ve been losing weight due to my lack of income. FINALLY! Being poor has done some good for me! It’s been a crazy-weird last two and a half months. Started the new year by ditching the possibility of something more with an old flame, to start a new flame with an unstable, fem, bottom, to just end up cheating on him with like 5 guys and get caught, break up with him 3 times in the course of one month and then continue to be a whore and sleep with the same old guys I keep on sleeping with for no good reason. THEN! I meet a nice guy and that’s all he is. He’s just a nice guy. I thought he liked me, then started to realize that he probably, most likely doesn’t. We don’t text, instant message, or facebook like we did before we met so I’m pretty sure that’s a big ass, “GET LOST”… This has happened to me many times. I look thinner in my photos and so when they see I’m a lot fuller in person they start to back away slowly. I miss the times when I used to be 178lbs and I could pick and choose who I wanted and who I could leave hanging dry. I guess this is a lesson in dating karma 101.

So, I have this friend, and he gives me things. He likes me a lot, and I don’t like him, not even a little…but I am still nice to the guy. I listen to him talk, I’m polite and sweet at all times, I let him molest me, and [Explicit] but I’m pretty sure I have made it clear that this was not a relationship or that we were never dating! The sick old guy comes over to my place, feeds me, fondles me, and watches a movie with me then tells me he’s in love with me and that he wants me to be with him “officially”, I wanted to hold my breath and make believe I just died, but I cant hold my breath long enough for him to get scared and run away. So, I freeze and stare at the wall. You would think he’d get the hint, right? -WRONG!

I dont think I can look this old guy in the face and tell him it’s never gonna happen, so I think I might just write him an e-mail. I know, I know, I’m a total asshole, but I’m gonna try and change that after I send the e-mail to him. He joked around and said he’d stalk me if I ever tell him to hit the road, but something tells me he isn’t kidding. I just have been so lucky when it comes to picking out psychos. So, if I die his name is Steven Salba and he rents a room somewhere on 191st in Washington Heights.

I loved it when you complimented me on my good looks and my loser-of-a-laugh. You’d say I was pretty close to perfect and that being with me was a life goal. I’d blush and giggle. You’d do that sexy chuckle and I’d do the opposite of melt. But it turns out, it was all a bunch of Bow Chicka Wow Wow…Wow..

I’m the kind of person that can’t get over things until I write it down somewhere and get all the emotional turmoil out of my system. So, please, let me apologize ahead of time for the clusterfuck you are about to endure.

I’m pretty fucking awesome.

-and I’m not just saying that because I’m me, because if I were someone else I’d love me too. I really can’t see any reason why people wouldn’t want to know me or be around me and be my friend or lover besides the fact that I’m overly overweight. Yeah, I’m fat, but I have a cute face and I’m fun, sweet, generous, and I don’t like to argue and I’m not a clingy kind of guy. All I expect is that you make an effort and check up on me and say hi or have a ten minute conversation with me at least once a day. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. So, why have I not yet found someone who is willing to give me a shot? Is it because they’re afraid that they could probably end up in a real, secure, relationship with me? Is that why they keep running to other people who are immature, slutty, self centered, and dumb as shit because they know they won’t have to put up with them for long?

My friends and other people always think I have such a great love life because I go on tons of dates and I’m always talking to some guy, but I don’t call that a love life. That’s a sad life. Why the hell am I talking to a different guy every week? Why do I have to go through the feeling of being rejected every other day? Why do I get all these guys who LOVE talking to me, LOVE being around me, LOVE introducing me to their friends, LOVE touching me, LOVE kissing me, and LOVE fucking me, but don’t LOVE the idea of being in a committed relationship with me. Then they use the excuse that they are not into relationships and they just wanna have fun, but then a month later they are in happy relationship with someone else.

I just don’t get it and I don’t understand, and I know I’m not meant to, but it just sucks…and sometimes, like a person who is bad at performing oral sex, it sucks too hard and it hurts.